Death Lexicon
by Rubygirl283
Summary: Zexion and Demyx are checking in on Light Yagami... Watch this crackish story unfold and watch your sanity slowly slip away into a deep dark hole... like mine...


Zexion looked up at Demyx, who smiled eagerly at the world they had just warped into. Looking around, the place seemed like an ordinary neighborhood with regular houses. Zexion looked over at Demyx. "This is a long-term mission, yeah?"

Demyx paused, his delighted face suddenly turning for the worst. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cue card, something they'd had to start doing at the castle to make sure he remembered what he was doing. Squinting, then smiling like a goofball, he looked back up at Zexion. "Yup! We're supposed to observe…" Demyx flipped the card over and then over again to show Zexion. He shoved the picture of a young man in a school uniform into his face and cried out, "this guy!"

Zexion glared at Demyx, and Demyx, getting the willies, put the card back in his coat pocket. "He's supposed to have some weird voodoo ritual thingy for killing villains and criminals and we need to see to it that he doesn't start trying to kill us. When we deem whether he's going to kill us or not, we'll go on from there -" Demyx's eyes scrolled around to see a pink butterfly flutter past him. He screamed, "BUTTERFLY!" and dashed to catch it.

Zexion facepalmed (something he found himself doing often nowadays) then noticed from the corner of his eye that the young man on the back of the card was walking down the street and staring oddly at the two of them. Zexion hurriedly shoved Demyx into the nearby bushes.

Demyx pouted. "Butterfly…"

Zexion hissed, "That dude was coming this way and your stupid ADHD problems tipped him off that we're here! If he tried to talk to us I'm going to -"

Something kicked Zexion in the knee. "FUCK THAT HURT!" He stood up to find himself face to face with Light Yagami. The blood drained from his face. He quickly sank back down in the bushes.

Light stated monotonously, "Please don't have gay sex in our bushes. We paid good money for those."

Zexion stood up again and screamed, "WE ARE NOT HAVING GAY SEX!"

He looked around and noticed another boy walking down the side of the road who was staring oddly at the two. Zexion's face grew red and hot and he grabbed Demyx by the hood and made a run for it. Demyx, who was extremely confused and being dragged from behind, waved at Light and chirped, "Nice to meet you!"

Zexion dragged him around a corner and hit him over the head. "YOU IDIOT! NOW HE KNOWS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE! WE'RE PROFESIONALS, DAMNIT!"

A mother gasped and ran her child inside. Zexion huffed, getting angry. He summoned his lexicon and threw it on the ground. It made a loud boom that echoed, but he wasn't quite satisfied, so he summoned it again and threw it down again. He still wasn't satisfied.

* * *

Meanwhile, Light Yagami tossed his backpack onto his bed and threw himself down at his desk, his chair squeaking as he did so. He pulled out the Death Note and began to write names in it, not thinking about the creepy gay couple that had been outside of his house. He saw gay guys (and gay girls) all the time, but none of them appeared to be freaks like those two. They hadn't even been Asian. They were probably from America, and everyone in America was a freak.

Ryuk chuckled. "Interesting guy outside, huh?"

Light shrugged. "Eh. Could have been weirder."

Suddenly, a rapping noise was heard from his outside balcony door. Light figured it was just a branch - it had been kinda windy outside. He ignored it for about ten minutes.

Zexion was standing outside, and noticed that Light was ignoring him. He didn't like being ignored. He began to pound on the door. "Hey, you little shit! Let me in!"

At that, Light looked up and screamed. "How the hell did you get up there!"

"Don't make me break this fucking door. Because I will."

Light, unwisely, opened the door. He figured he could take the pale, sickly child. Zexion charged at him. "What the hell are you doing to kill criminals?"

Light punched Zexion and he flew back against the wall (if they had been handcuffed together and in a really bad yaoi porn fic, they would have fallen on top of each other, and then commenced to make sweet sweet butt sex) like he would in any good anime. He then started to cry and summoned his lexicon and threw it at Light. Light dodged easily.

"Don't talk loud like that! My family doesn't know, damnit! No one knows!"

Ryuk chuckled. "I know."

"Shut up, Ryuk."

Zexion stopped his un-manly crying and looked up at Light. "Who were you just talking to?"

Light's face drained of color. "No one."

Zexion sniffed. The air was dry and yet sweaty and moist at the same time and tasted terrible and sandy. He recognized that scent. "I smell… Death."

Ryuk laughed heartily. "Let him touch it, Light. I know this guy."

Light eyed him curiously and picked up the Death Note. "This is how I kill."

Zexion eyed it curiously. "Wow. That looks just like my lexicon. Just… smaller. And with 'Death Note' written on the cover." His head twisted to look at it from different angles. He sniffed it, and got a potent whiff of the sandy odor he had smelled before. "Can I look at it?"

"Yeah. But when you touch it, you're going to see a shini -"

Zexion reached out and grabbed it and screamed when he saw Ryuk. Ryuk laughed like a mad man. Zexion crawled over to the corner and curled into the fetal position. "Oh god, it's you!"

Light's eyes traveled between the disgusted, black-cloaked figure in his corner with his Death Note and the blackened, shriveled-up death god laughing maniacally beside of him. He didn't really want to compute what had happened between them so he just sat down on the bed and stared at Zexion. Zexion leered once at Ryuk then opened up the Death Note.

Zexion was astonished to find that there were numerous names written in it already. As in pages and pages and pages. He looked in the front cover and spied the first rule, and spied the word "human." In his mind, he sighed. They were safe. No one else in the Organization had to die.

Light helped him up. "Don't mind Ryuk. He's a scary bastard."

"I can still hear you know!" Ryuk pouted and took a bite out of an apple he likely stole from the kitchen.

Zexion's head felt light upon standing up, and he leaned against the wall for support when dizziness kicked in. After a moment, he was fine, and gave the Death Note back to Light. "Well, I'll be on my way. You might see me again, you might not."

"Hey, hey, wait!" Light stopped Zexion as he was about to climb off the balcony again. "I can't just let you leave like that! Who are you?"

"Zexion."

"Zexion…?"

"Look, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you can't kill me or my friends with that thing and that means I'm perfectly okay with you keeping it. My boss might not, but that's another matter that will get sorted out soon enough."

"Hey… Just so I know you're cool…" Light got a devious grin on his face. "Wanna kill someone?"

Zexion stared at him, one leg over the balcony. He frowned. "I don't need that book to kill. I kill with stunner looks." He grinned stupidly, then frowned. "Oh Jesus, he's rubbing off on me…"

Light blinked. "…What?"

"Nothing. Either way, I don't need that thing to kill someone. I could kill you right now if I wanted to. I could kill some baby if I wanted to. I don't have to have a Death Note to do it."

Light frowned. "There will be no child killing. I just want you to write someone's name down. Just to see your reaction. Do it or… or…"

"Or what?" Zexion raised an eyebrow and smiled devilishly. Upon seeing Light flounder, he rolled his eyes and continued smiling. "I guess I'll humor you." He trotted over to the teen. "Gimme that." He snatched the Death Note and a pen from Light, who was smiling. "Who should I kill, Lord Whats-yer-face?"

Light opened up his laptop and pulled up a document with names and faces upon names and faces. He scrolled down a few times and stopped on someone seemingly random. He pointed and said, "Kill him."

Zexion grinned. "Pfft. He's ugly. So all I gotta do is write this ugly mofo's name down and we're good to go?"

"Eeeyup."

"Awesome." Zexion scribbled the ugly mofo's name down and turned to leave but Light stopped him and looked at his watch.

After a few moments, Light looked up and spoke gravely. "He's dead now. How are you feeling?"

Zexion chuckled. "That was fun. Let's do another."

Several rounds of this and Zexion was laughing like a mad man. Light looked at his door nervously, glad his mom was half-deaf.

* * *

Demyx peeked in through a window at the men sitting around a table, arguing. One was really big and didn't argue as much. One had a cool moustache. One seemed to be a lot like him. One was a heavy smoker. One had an afro. And one was just plain ugly. He felt something twitch beside him and Vexen popped up to peer in beside of him. "Hi, Vexen!"

Vexen waved half-heartedly, pulled out a notepad, and began to jot down notes. Demyx returned to looking at the men, then paused. "Vexen, why are you here?"

"I'm helping you."

"Why are you helping me?"

"Well, I'm not really helping you, I'm helping Zexion. I help you enough when you get your arse kicked and need medical attention."

"Why? Saix didn't assign you to this mission…"

"No, he didn't. But I wanted to help Zexion."

"Why?"

"Why don't you go and chase a car or something? I don't want to tell you."

"That's mean." Demyx frowned and sank down further into the bush.

"Would you go find Zexion for me and tell me where he is? I need to tell him some important things."

"Like?"

"Just go and find him, damnit!"

Demyx sighed. "This wasn't part of the mission…" He warped himself back to Light's lawn and climbed up the balcony, where Zexion said before that he'd be.

"Hey Zexion. Zeeexioooonnnn~" Demyx tapped on the glass. He heard laughter. "Zexiooonnnn let me innnnnnnnnnnnn." He whined some more until eventually Ryuk opened the door, which freaked Demyx out because he couldn't see Ryuk.

Behind him, he heard someone warp in, and looked around to see Vexen screech like a turkey and scream, "ZEXION MY BOY I HAVE RESEARCH TO SHOW YOU!" He waved his arms and trotted in as if he were on crack. He looked at Zexion and screeched again in horror.

Zexion was holding the Death Note, writing on page upon page upon page and laughing maniacally beside Light. Demyx didn't compute it so he just stood smiling. Vexen, however, was Team L and screeched again. Zexion stopped laughing and turned to face him.

"Vexen, what are you doing here?"

Vexen screeched again and waved his arms around, not believing what he was seeing. "'TYOULOVEMEEEEEEE!"

Zexion ran over to the old man and shook him from the shoulders. "Snap out of it, old man! I am not your son and never will be! And killing is fun. Like taking crack. It lets me write awesomely shitty fan fictions and then put them on DeviantArt and people like them!"

"OH MY GOD YOU DO CRACK!" Vexen's eye twitched.

Zexion rolled his eyes. "Yeah, doesn't everyone?"

"NOOOO!"

"Oh, well… Whatever." Zexion shrugged.

"I AM RTC'ING YOU RIGHT NOW YOUNG MISTER!" He picked Zexion up like a plank and created a dark portal. Vexen looked back at Light. "You filthy bastard, corrupting my child like that! I bet you taught him to smoke crack, too!"

Light tried not to laugh. "You don't smoke crack, you snort it or something."

"WHATEVER!" Vexen tossed Zexion through the dark portal and then climbed in after him.

Demyx stared blankly at the wall behind Light. Light stared at him and said, "Aren't you going to do something? You've been sitting there like a brainless monkey for ten minutes."

From outside of his door, Light's mom screeched (like the old woman she is), "LIGHT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?"

Light calmly replied, "Nothing, mom, just on the phone."

"YOU'RE ON THE LOO? THERE ISN'T A LOO IN YOUR BEDROOM!"

Light sighed. "No, Mom. Nevermind."

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOREEEEE!" With that, she ran screaming down to the kitchen where she slept.

Demyx drooled a little, then snapped out of it, and warped himself back to the castle, and as he left, he said, "For once I wasn't the one who made the dumbest crap happen in a fanfic. Hooray for me!"

And with that, the fanfic ended.


End file.
